date: 11/24/2023 at approx 9:25pm

i plan on killing myself some day but i dont know any bridges nearby that are tall enough

date: 11/24/2023 at approx 9:23pm

its funny when people are all like "things do get better", cause yea, they do

but then they get worse

and then they get much, much worse and you end up in an even worse place than where you started

date: 11/24/2023 at approx 9:20pm

its been a few months. seeings my logs on this site makes me realize that some things never change. i still want to kill myself and im still as jealous as ever. im a full-blown stalker at this point. i have photos and information all about her saved, and i dont feel guilty about it at all. she has a story up right now but nobody is screenshotting it for me and its making me uneasy knowing theres photos of her out there that i dont have. id do anything to just get her ti add me back on snap. he likes me more but i wanna become her. i dont know why. this isnt healthy. its been torturing me for months. im gonna become her. i wanna be a fake blonde like her. brown eyes and messy eyebrows and chunky mascara and freckles and fried hair. two syllable name and contantly stoned and lots of friends. im gonna die trying. its never over.

date: 7/25/2023 at approx 3:59pm

the concept of having my own private space to do whatever i want is actually mind-boggling. and by private space i mean this site. its freedom. everytime i remember that free will exists i am completely baffled. anyway, right now, i am in a strange depressive state. i feel like im falling apart, but once something happens such as texting my boyfriend or fting the gc, im completely fine. and then five minutes after the activity ceases, im back where i started. this especially is rough during the summer due to lack of structure, and night time as well. night time always sucks for me because this is when my emotions get all fucky, like all the edgy guilt-trippy bullshit comes spewing out my mouth and every morning, i look back on what i said to people via text or what i posted on this site and i just die of cringe. you know, ive tried diaries, but something about it just doesnt cut it for me. after i realized diaries didnt work, i tried vent accounts on twitter. but that shit didnt work either for 2 reasons: one, i was known. there was a name attached to my profile. i want someone to hear me, but i dont want them to know it was me. even though the limited amount of people on that account are people i trust deeply, they were still perceiving me and judging me. it was above their control though. i couldn't handle it. i can not handle being known or being perceived. and two, i kept getting fucking banned due to the graphic nature of the shit i was posting on there. you know you're in a bad mental state when you have to code your own fucking website in order to not get censored. the good thing about having this site though is that i get the attention but still have anonymity. lots of people are probably wondering why this shit is public, and theres one good answer for that: attention seeking behavior! i feel much more soothed after typing all that out because ive been replaying a similar manifesto over and over again in my head for weeks

date: 7/25/2023 at approx 3:08pm

i am gross
i vomit and i cry and there is snot dripping down my chin
my body is disgusting and vile
my skin doesnt fit me and my fat hangs off my body like sacks of meat
my arms and legs are gross
my skin is burnt and scarred and bleeding
i do not not deserve a name or a personality
because i am gross
i am fucking vile
i am the epitome of what a person should never be

date: 7/25/2023 at approx 3:05pm

theres a pit in my stomach and i dont know why
i fucking hate the nausea
im sabotaging myself again and i dont know how to stop
i have no problems in my life until i make them
i should be in therapy again
but i love the freedom of feeling unhinged
one day i might do something very bad
this is not a warning, just a prediction
i know how my mind works and i know i have the courage to do it
and i also lack the self control in order to not
idk
we'll see

date: 7/25/2023 at approx 10:29am

I want to feel like i’m the prettiest girl in the world

date: 7/25/2023 at approx 10:28am

i miss the days back in the nineties when I didn’t exist

date: 7/24/2023 at approx 8:30pm

today was ok .My favorite tea shop in town is moving into a smaller location so they were selling a lot of their old china/teacups/etc .I purchased a 2 teacups and 3 saucers (all vintage, some made overseas) for 12 dollars.....I do not think i have ever been happier. I also compulsively cleaned my room a little bit and turned one of the saucers into a trinket dish on my vanity (in case you dont already know, I am a Trinket Girl..I will never hesitate to collect trinkets and doohickeys). My mom says over the summer i can go back because they will be putting out more stuff each day. I am very sad about the place moving though, the property and buildings are incredible. the house is a federal style colonial mansion, and it is beautiful . today I spoke to the owner, Susan, and she told me about how it was too expensive to keep up the property and that they were asking for 1.5 million dollars for her to keep it. Its so beautiful in there it makes me want to cry. the furniture, the intricate details on the trim and the ceiling, the dusty smell the house has. I wish I could die there . I hope I get to go there one last time before they move .

date: 7/24/2023 at approx 12:11am

sometimes i truly get what mamimi meant when she said she was gonna overflow

date: 7/24/2023 at approx 12:00am

I can not keep living like this

i am going to try to get my knives back

date: 7/23/2023 at approx 11:56pm

im so incredibly sad and i dont know why

i guess the past week has been an emotional rollercoaster

after going through my cabinets and throwing away everything i havent felt the same. i saw things i havent seen since i was nine. the beginning of the end

i also wish **** would come home. again, i do not like this dynamic. im starved. he went to sleep . just fucking left. its not his fault i dont blame him he needs the sleep. i just hate it because i was waiting hours for him to be able to text me. hours. every fucking time my phone buzzed id check in hopes it was him. im so disappointed i just want to sob. but its not that big of a deal so idk why i feel like this. please help

date: 7/23/2023 at approx 2:30am

i’m so fucking nauseous i can feel the acid rising in my chest

date: 7/23/2023 at approx 2:27am

I’m a jealous girl and it will be the death of me

date: 7/23/2023 at approx 2:25am

i want to feel beautiful
i know he thinks i’m beautiful but i want to hear it

date: 7/23/2023 at approx 2:24am

me when i’m so insecure to the point that if he told me he found a certain celebrity attractive i’d cry and throw up for hours and try to change myself to become more like that celebrity

date: 7/23/2023 at approx 12:07am

I want to go downstairs and play red dead redemption 2 but my father sleeps on the couch

date: 7/22/2023 at approx 9:47pm

i have never liked myself and at this rate i don’t think i ever will ,They should legalize voluntary euthanasia because it’s torture to be forced to live in a vessel i don’t want to be in. I did not consent to being here

date: 7/22/2023 at approx 9:43pm

i’m so mad i didn’t bring my fucking laptop to my dads house liek what kind of fucking retard am i omg i know myself well enough to know that i can’t cope without publicly posting my issues somewhere so now i have to write in my notes app and copy and paste it onto the site when i’m home

i’m too unstable for this

i’m constantly sabotaging every good thing i have just because i’m insecure, it’s not healthy for me to be this envious

i want to change myself. theoretically, if im liked and at some point she was as well, wouldn’t i be liked even more if i combined traits? i want to do this so badly it’s sickening but i physically can’t change myself no matter how hard i try, which is one of the reasons i’m stuck in a loop of self hatred

date: 7/22/2023 at approx 9:35pm

I'm at the point in my life where I no longer care about what other people think of me. I might be crazy. I might be insane. I might do things nobody would ever perceive but I don't care anymore. ******* is the only one who knows .I don't care. I don't care

date: 7/21/2023 at approx 1:59pm

Sonicyouth.neocities.org is a very good and ethical example of the duality of man

date: 7/21/2023 at approx 1:58pm

not to be rude or anything but he should be making out with me rn

date: 7/21/2023 at approx 1:47pm

im sorry for spamming divs about this man I just love him so much I am going through withdrawals I havent seen him in like a week and its fucking killing meeeeeeee dude the more i think about him the more i miss him and god i just love him so much i feel so safe around him and I wish he was laying in my bed with me right now and I miss the smell of his cologne and omg I cant do this heelellpppppfnjigdkn

date: 7/21/2023 at approx 1:45pm

whenever he stretches and his shirt kinda rides up a bit i start to wither away like a victorian man seeing a ladies ankles for the first time

date: 7/21/2023 at approx 1:39pm

every day I think to myself that I wish I met him sooner . I love him. I wish I could be ten years old with him, I hope I can be 60 years old with him, I hope I can spend the rest of my life annoying him and doing everything with him because thats how much i love him. He means the whole world to me and I wouldnt have it any other way . I have never loved someone like this, i have never felt this complete before , my heart has never been so full of love for another human being . I do not care if this is corny . I wish i found him sooner

date: 7/21/2023 at approx 12:48pm

want to disappear i'm a bad person i'm so mean i'm trying to justify it but i'm just mean maybe that's what i'm hiding cause it's shameful the need to be perfect cause it's the bare minimum i have nothing now nothing to latch onto if i keep going i'll be lost forever i'm trying to survive everyday without making any sense i'll be more and more alone

date: 7/21/2023 at approx 12:37pm

I fucking hate Grateful Dead holy shit. Gotta be the worst band of all time. I am not even kidding when I say that i get nauseous every time i go into one of those rock/metal merch stores and see grateful dead merch. What the fuck

date: 7/21/2023 at approx 12:36pm

woke up today and chose mental illness

date: 7/19/2023 at approx 2:56pm

I have it all I have all I could ever want, but still i feel this sense of “God i fucking hate myself so much i want to change i hate the person I am I will never get better” So all I do is stir up problems out of envy

If I gave up on trying to be the best version of myself I would have no purpose in life . All I do is try and try and try and push myself to become prettier and more attractive because i am nothing. And some people might think but wait , You’re already pretty? But I do not see myself like that. My big nose and my fried hair and my soft jawline will never be beautiful enough. I want to be an angel

date: 7/18/2023 at approx 1:31pm

Please kill me god please kill me Whh haven’t I been killed off yet literally every time a MINOR INCONVENIENCE not even AN INCONVENCJE occurs J want to fuxking blow my brains out and smoke a pack Like I Am Sober yes I haven’t done anything g bad in yearrrss But the urges are always there I’m going fucking insane I can’t keep living like this I Swifch moods every 15 minutes 15 minutes ago I WAS SO HAPPY AND TAKING PHOTOS OF HOUSES AND NOW IM SULKING FOR NO REASON I WANNA FICKING DIEEEEE lol Lol Lol Lol This is not lana del rey vinyl im gonna kms

date: 7/18/2023 at approx 12:07am

he definitely fucking liked me dude which like idec that much i just wish hed stop making it so suspenseful because uts so fucking obvious but i dont wanna say anything also im gonna throw up because whyd he have to say that lol also i miss my boyrfriend SHUT UP THE FUCK SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT YP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP WHY DOES HE KEEP FUCKING TALKING HES JUST MAKING IT WORSE GOD SHUT THE FUCK UPJUST STOP FUCKING TALKING YOU FUCKING RETARD I KOW YOUR FIUCKING LYING TO ME STOP LYING TO ME STOP gyoure lying to me again the same way you lied to me and told me hedidnt want me because youre a selfish asshole

date: 7/17/2023 at approx 11:50pm

Be! Aggressive! B-E! aggressive! I said, be aggressive! B-E! Aggressive! B-E A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E! Whoop, burn the house down, show him who's the leader, bring ya baby down, down, go cheerleader!

i fucking love lana del rey omg she validates my insanity

this song is literally the jealous girl anthem like it makes me feel better about myself for being fucking crazy

date: 7/17/2023 at approx 11:45pm

im fucking crazy holy shit like i literally want to bash my head into a fucking wall

date: 7/2/2023 at approx 1:56pm

last night at 9:56pm i was outside behind the building at the party with *******

he held me close to him and played with my hair

i have never felt so wanted my whole life

i want to go back

date: 4/19/2023 at approx 10:50pm
title: names

i don’t like these names i don’t like myself i am not the person i want to be and i never will be the person i want to be
i am losing myself every day and i need to escape this vessel
my body takes up too much space and i want to be small
unseen
unheard
my bones are too big and my ribcage is too wide
all eyes on me
my words are too loud my voice is too deep
everyone’s listening
my skin is pink and raw from hours of staring
probing
prying because aiming to be perfect is the only thing that keeps me going
no matter the clothes i wear or the way i do my hair no one will perceive me differently
i will always be loud and outgoing and even though this is who i truly am i don’t like it
i want to be petite and frail and i want to disappear into nothing because i am nothing

date: 12/15/2022 at approx. 8:55pm
title: hands

i sat next to an older man on the subway
he calls me sweetheart
i confuse politeness with care and i confuse care with love
and i confuse his hands with my fathers and i ask them to hold me
they accept but with coldness and reluctance

my father is waiting when i get to secaucus
at first i do not recognize him
but then i look at his face and then i look at his hands
and they remind me of the man on the subway

date: 9/02/2022 at approx. 10:54pm
title: overflow

three days ago, i overfilled a glass

i grabbed the glass and put in a handful of ice

i then took the juice out of the refrigerator and started to pour it into the glass

but there was too much in the container and too much in the glass and by time i shouldve stopped pouring, there wouldve been too much in the bottle to put back but too much to throw away but too much to sip out of my glass and repour

so instead i kept pouring

the glass overflowed all over the counter and all over the drawers and all over the floor and all over my hands and it soaked up my sleeves leaving permnanent pink streaks reaching up tp my elbows

i then threw away the bottle and got a towel to clean up the juice

there is something oddly therapeutic about being in control because i chose to keep pouring and i chose to clean it up

one day i will have full control

date: 8/25/2022 at approx. 11:11pm
title: a rant on satanism

im at that age where murder is a tempting idea but i dont want to be associated with a bunch of scumbags because satanists are scum. murderers and rapists are scum. satans a shithead, i can kick his ass. i can resist all his temptation. i dont hate him for my catholic or christian belief. i do because he is an idol losers, scum, dweebs and dirtbags worship. he doesnt care about anyone who "worships" him. because he is fucking satan. he is a liar, i hate liars. that kasso guy was a delusional crazy loser. he iced some kid who didnt do anything like a coward for taking shit from him. then he pussied out at the end by hanging himself in that cell. have fun in hell, i know you wont. kasso is lucky i wasnt around him. i would have bullied him, i would have layed into him every chance i got. dont try to impress satan because he does not give two fucks. if you worship satan you are a pathetic loser.